Weight: The Low to the High
The other morning I took all of the weight tracking data I had collected over the past 11 years and put it into an Excel spreadsheet. Shocking, a CPA who loves Excel, I know. What I found particularly shocking is that from my lowest weight in November of 2011 to my highest weight today, there’s a difference of 75 pounds. Seventy five fucking pounds! It’s honestly impossible for me to write that without getting emotional. When I realized what this number was, it hit me hard and left me with a feeling that I can only describe as numbness. It put me in a funk that I attempted to treat by taking Joey for a walk in the beautiful nature of our neighbourhood. It didn’t work. I suppressed the emotions that arose and I’m still needing to work through it all. It’s heavy shit, no pun intended.
I’ve spent over three decades of my life being focused on my body’s weight and its appearance, mostly in relation to other girls and women in this world. I knew I was fat and had a love for food when I was in elementary school and have been continuously reminded of this nearly every single day of my life. I’m reminded by mirrors, the scale, friends, family, peers, society, dates, physical activity, my clothes, in grocery stores, at restaurants, and by the biggest bitch - my mind. Being fat and struggling with weight has got to be one of the most complex and least understood issues out there. It consumes a lot of your life and your thoughts. Unless people have also experienced it, they make assumptions about you because they can’t relate and likely don’t know how to apply empathy to your situation.
November 2011, lowest weight
This is a photo of me at my lowest weight. Until now, it has been reserved for the eyes of a few of my closest friends. I sent it to my sister and my friend Alison back when I took it to show that I was starting to get visible abs. I remember being excited about the definition but also fixated on the fat that I believed I still had to remove from my stomach. I know that this photo presents an extreme variance to any current photo of me and it’s not something that I’ll intentionally strive for again. It took nearly every ounce of dedication I had to get there; my behaviour was obsessive and mentally unhealthy. Meticulously counting points, eating super clean, denying myself any of the baking I did for my co-workers, ignoring hunger, doing Insanity, running (sometimes both on the same morning before work) and walking to/from work all contributed to me shrinking my body.
I was obsessed with getting thinner for one reason: I thought that would make men want to date me (I’ve still not escaped this mindset, hence my singleness). They did date me but either there was no connection, or there was and they ended up hurting me. I didn’t understand why I was having such a hard time with men and I remember two things: 1. Asking my guy best friend what was wrong with me (“nothing”), and 2. Binge eating a bunch of baking after the guy I was dating left my place to be with his soon to be ex-wife, who was recently diagnosed as Bipolar and whom he was still living in the same house with, because her Grandma had died and he was worried she would harm herself. Yeah, it was a bit of a complicated situation to begin with but he was a really great guy… I knew I would never see him again and I chose to deal with my heartache by turning to food. Food has and continues to be my go to for comfort; I use food to cope with my emotions, especially loneliness.
August 2020, highest weight
Which brings me to now. Nearly nine years later and lots of ups and downs on the weight loss roller coaster later, I’m living in a body that’s at the highest weight I’ve ever seen on the scale. In this time I’ve tried a variety of diets, some extremely restrictive and therefore unhealthy, in the quest of being thinner. Clearly none of them have worked for the long term because they haven’t addressed the root cause of my issues with food and weight. Now that I’ve FINALLY realized that I continue to turn to food and struggle with my weight because I have some mental shit to unpack, I’m beginning to venture into that territory. I know that the journey will be a slow, deep one with scary, painful, embarrassing and dark moments but I’m confident that it will be rewarding. Like anyone who works through their trauma in order to heal their mind and relationships or remove addiction from their lives, I believe those of us who have been faced with weight-related challenges must do the same. We may not all have experienced major trauma. Food “addiction” might not be the same as substance abuse. But I know there’s something in working through the “smaller traumas” that is necessary if we want to live a life that’s not ruled by food and weight.
Weight is complicated for those of us who carry a lot of it. Trust us when we tell you that we know we’re fat, overweight, plus-sized, curvy, whatever. We know it more than you can imagine and we know the pain associated with it too. We’re carrying more than just extra fat but this girl is ready to shed it all <3