I’ve wanted to write about this topic for a while but also wanted to time it with Valentine’s Day 2021. I LOVE the idea of Valentine’s day because I love love, pink, hearts, roses, chocolate, and most other things this “Hallmark Holiday” is about. Well, maybe not the consumerism that goes along with it because spending money is not correlated with love. I am single and have been for nearly all of the Valentine’s Days of my life. It used to bother me but now I don’t care. As much as I want to meet a man and get married and have a family, I also agree with the quote that states “no one is going to love you more than you love yourself.” For years I have not loved myself and it makes sense why relationships didn’t work out for me, why going on first dates with dozens of men didn’t turn into anything long-term. Not only was I lacking confidence in myself, I didn’t really know who I was and therefore couldn’t meet someone who would be a true match for me. Some people are blessed to find love at an early age, others, like me, take a bit longer.

My mom has told me many times throughout my life that I’m a late bloomer and, like all moms, she’s right. Not only does this apply to my career, physical appearance, and my emotional & intellectual maturity, it also applies to my desire to settle down and have a family. Now that I’m feeling closer to making that a priority, I’m appreciating how the work I have done to love and accept myself over the past few years has had a significant impact on me. One of the first things I remember doing is listening to the audiobook of “Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls” by Jess Baker during a solo birthday trip to Maui in November 2018. This began the practice of learning to love and accept my body, even though it’s not small. Looking back at photos, I realize I had major body dysmorphia and allowed the number on my scale to prescribe how I felt about my body.

But self-love is about so much more than our physical appearance. I believe it’s learning to see the good that exists in our mind, character, and actions. It’s a mindset where we choose to focus on all of the incredible things that we have to offer others, and contribute to in this world. I’ve discovered that as I began to live in congruence with my authentic self, I was able to love myself more. I have spent hours digging into my thoughts and behaviours, peeling away the layers to understand why I think and act in specific ways. I remove judgement and instead choose to see these as simple facts, not anything that needs to be changed. Through this practice, I have learned to embrace all aspects of myself such as my quirky personality, confidence, and intelligence. I used to play these down in order to fit into the corporate world, in order to be viewed as professional and agreeable. I now recognize that doing so is depriving others of the gifts that are part of my authentic self.

What are you hiding in order to appease others?

There will be facets of our personality that are triggering or irritating to others, but unless it’s causing harm or creating trauma for them, you do not need to change. You might need to be more honest with people about those characteristics and what your intentions are. For example, I am direct and often blunt in my communication. I have learned that others need to be aware that I am coming from a place of love and support and it’s never meant to be an attack. I could have learned to be ashamed of my honesty and bluntness and continued to hide it from others, but instead I have learned to love that aspect of myself because it’s who I am. I hope that makes sense.

Here are some ways to learn to love yourself more:

1. Acknowledge your personality traits that society or others deems as “flaws.” Choose to see them as something that makes you unique or that is present to teach you a deeper lesson. You can learn to love & accept yourself and still want to make changes, those are not mutually exclusive ideas. But remember, you only need to change something if it doesn’t feel good to you.

2. Focus on the non-physical traits you’re proud of and make those be what gives you value in life. For example, your compassion for all humans, your ability to make others feel appreciated, your creative talents, your knack for knowing exactly how to make a situation better… List out everything you have going for you and be proud of them all.

3. Learn to compliment others when they have what you view as an admirable quality. If you’re not comfortable telling them directly yet, even the practice of acknowledging it in your mind is helpful. When you focus on seeing the strengths of others, even if it’s something you’re lacking, you feel better about yourself.

4. Get into the practice of being self-aware. This involves being present to how others react to you, both positively and negatively, and then figuring out why. Try putting yourself in another person’s place and think about how your interactions make them feel. What are the characteristics you possess and what kind of people will you get along with? We’re not all going to like everyone and everyone is not going to like us, that’s ok. Be yourself and love yourself.

5. Meditate. Clarity comes when we practice meditation. Last night during meditation I realized how certain past experiences have shaped thoughts I have about myself today in regards to a certain topic. Our past shapes who we are today and when we quiet our mind, knowledge about it can come to us.

6. Journal and spend time reflecting on who you are and how your story is impactful. When you think about what you’ve been through and how it has contributed to who you are, you value yourself more. I have also found that pretending I am presenting a keynote speech or being interviewed for a podcast by speaking aloud allows me to come up with ways to explain how I feel. This works well for me because I have goals around presenting but if you’re fearful of public speaking, it might not be your cup of tea.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Comment or send me a message to let me know how this post makes you feel!